ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
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I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends