Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
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so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
There’s never enough good news
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Who called it baking and not making love
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful