Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

April 1st is the class clown of days.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.