Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
You Might Also Like
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
when a toddler tells a story
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
I can’t be the only one 😂
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE