Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
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Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”