Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
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[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
i love meeting boys on tinder
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
The future is now.