“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
*aggressively waits in line*
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
