ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
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There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Ugh
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”