Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Air conditioning – not a fan
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I鈥檓 incredibly busy
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 馃挜
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
doctor: the bad news is you鈥檙e dying
me: so there鈥檚 good news?
doctor: not for you, no
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 馃檨
Your honor, my client wasn鈥檛 trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH鈥橲 MANAGER
