Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
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dude it’s called proctologist
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0