Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
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An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress