Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want