Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
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[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.