Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
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“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*