Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
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To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
