Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
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It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
This will never not be funny 😭
Effort made
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
accurate
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life