Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
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My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
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I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
🤯🤯🤯
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I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN