Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[enter password]
*Correct*
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Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Already got one
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box