Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried