Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

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I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle


[in bed]

Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
Her: …


I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.


Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.


There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers


Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better


If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would’ve had 10 disciples not 12.


Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.