Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
You Might Also Like
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.
You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.
professsor x: what’s your superpower
me: solving for variables
professor 17: oh wow
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.