@AmishPornStar1

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

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@SuSuSuDonym

Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.

@MaryJustice86

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.

@JeremyKCMO

You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@AndyAsAdjective

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

@Maddy_ubert

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

@ThingsJackDigs

Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.

@mistakeswasmade

professsor x: what’s your superpower

me: solving for variables

professor 17: oh wow

@gkaluma

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.