Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
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Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?