@AmishPornStar1

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

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@HenpeckedHal

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

@tsm560

[in bed]

Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
Her: …

@Underchilde

I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.

@Crunch11b

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

@DaddyJew

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

@ln0217

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

@aalicesayss

If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would’ve had 10 disciples not 12.

@causticbob

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.