Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
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Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!