Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
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Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Every BBC series about the universe.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.