Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
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If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.