Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

the council will decide your fate

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

Happy birthday to all the women