Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.