Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.