Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

🥴😂

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.