Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
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Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon