Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
You Might Also Like
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.