Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.