Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
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Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.