Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
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[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
britain’s three elite institutions
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.