Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I’m giving up for Lent.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.