Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
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Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.