Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

I’m listening

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.