Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
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*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
10/10 no notes
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…