Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
“What?”
– Jude
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away