Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
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Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐