Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
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People who are bad at hiding, I see you
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit