Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
You Might Also Like
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Sign at work today
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.