Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
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Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside