Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

hand it over!

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

X-tra spooky blend

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”