Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else