Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
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Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.