Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
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I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
The internet is full of many things
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
President The Rock Obama
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”