Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
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If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out