Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
You Might Also Like
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now