Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
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Ah..makes sense now
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
even bears disappoint their mothers
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…