Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
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Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew