Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

Cardio Made Easy

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

Van Gone

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

I used to be married, but I’m better now

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo