Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

◾️

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.