Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
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I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Left at a local drug store…
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator