Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
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Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
pls suprot
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
jesus christ confetti not now
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.