Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

Expect the unexporcupine.

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

How to draw a duck

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit