@TomSchally

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

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@ayyyyloser

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

@noonanjo

Editor: “you wrote this weird, half the story is a single quote.”

Reporter: [long drag on a Marlboro] “Trust me.”

@CerebralWreck

According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.

@thisislizz

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

@apok842

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

@JohnFugelsang

Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says ‘honk if you love Jesus.’ So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.

@isabelzawtun

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

@ObscureGent

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

@ericsshadow

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.