Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

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How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it


Editor: “you wrote this weird, half the story is a single quote.”

Reporter: [long drag on a Marlboro] “Trust me.”


According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.


Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.


I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.


Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says ‘honk if you love Jesus.’ So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.


I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too


Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.


COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.