Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
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I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”