Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
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SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.