Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
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Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.