Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
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Me too 😆
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!