Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
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Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
They got Raph!
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox