Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving