Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
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Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
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! ! ! !
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”