Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

I bet birds love this building.

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.