Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars