Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
You Might Also Like
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry