Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
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In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!