Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”