Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
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“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Same post same
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Every work meeting this week
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston