Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Chemical wingman
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?