Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

😂💯

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

Simple

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

We’ve all been there…

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

im all 3

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.