Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”