Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
You Might Also Like
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you